its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
