Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
