I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
