Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
