You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
