Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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