I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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