Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
