Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
