I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
