paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We need to get me chipped asap
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
