puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
