I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You're like the curious george of whores
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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