were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
