Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
