My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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