We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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