why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
