and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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