dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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