someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
