I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
