Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
