My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
