My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
