why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
