Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You pole danced in your parka.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
