Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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