do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
