apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
