Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
