I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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