how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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