remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
