I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize