she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
