Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
