Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
