You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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