Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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