Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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