I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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