getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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