I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize