it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
