The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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