She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
