Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
