i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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