I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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