oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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