Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
