Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
