The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
