drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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