You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
