and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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