Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
